I have been so busy last few months. It was hard to stop and think if I’m feeling something. People might have known it or might have even seen it in my eyes, mannerisms, tone of voice or my statuses. I have a lot to tell also and at the same time I’m afraid to share as well. Leaving all this I just wanted to add a post in my blog so as to divert my mind.
So today I would share a chapter picked up from my dark blue, fabric covered journal. I opened the journal and it was dated 11th June 2010. It was my last day at college. While leaving, all my friends came to see me off. We were very sad. The journey of four years was completed. We clicked hundreds of pictures from my cam in different poses. Bidding them adieu, I left. During the journey, I watched the pictures several times and felt as happy as ever. Those pictures gleefully reminded me of all good and naughty things done on the last hour of the last day. Next morning I reached home but I was sad thinking of leaving the college life. I was sitting watching movie when I remembered my friends. Excitedly I opened my cam and noticed horror of horrors that my entire data had somehow been deleted. Hundreds of pictures taken over the course of an hour had simply vanished. Poof… gone… Bye-bye… How could this be? I had hardly touched it after coming home.
I tried not to regard the empty cam as an indication of my utter carelessness. I did not know what to do when I was faced with such an enormous data loss. I opened and closed and opened and closed the cam more than 10 times to make sure if the pictures were really gone. It was! In the midst of opening and closing the cam, I remembered my brother asking me, “should I delete the last picture that I randomly clicked.” To which I had answered, “No, I’ll delete it later”. Immediately I called him and asked about the pictures. He said he clicked “delete all” instead of “delete one”. I scolded him very hard and had no idea as what to do. My mind was racing. I thought of all friends I would not be able to reach the same place and occasion. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I called my friends to tell them what happened. I was consoled by all but could not stop my tears. Without the last day’s pictures, I felt something is complete. My day stopped functioning. And no, to answer your question, I had not backed up my data. But thanks for asking.
I thought of any restore function which is actually miracle of miracles that could actually happen. But all in vain. In between all this I got to the thinking, what if we had a restore function for our lives? Think of the possibilities… Fat is too high? Restore… Embarrassed of you at yesterday’s act? Restore… Liked your haircut better before? Restore… Want your friend back with whom you broke-up? Restore… Possibilities are endless. I could have definitely used a restore function. I guess I liked the idea of restoring but in reality not possible. Then I decided to continue with the forward momentum of my life and hoped that I could get a restore function for cam and get the deleted pictures.
Connecting with myself and reflecting on the past four years has taught me that we’re not frozen in time like mosquitoes in amber. And life progresses whether we stop to obsess about it or not.
P.S. – I did not get the deleted pictures but the last day’s memories are still fresh in my mind.
During my school days, I was very fond of tile painting. I used to create different styles and gift my friends. I have also decorated my room with few. Here is one of my creations.
John had to make a decision. He loved them both but he chose Jane because he wanted a wife who is not into any job. Anna was independent and would not take orders from anyone and John required a slave like devotion. But he could not shut down his feelings or even tell Anna to her face, so he said nothing. Both of them knew no matter how much they loved each other, they were not going to last. He was with her to make love only and ignored any talks related to their future together. One hour they were love and the next hour she didn’t hear from him again. He won’t even take her calls. He won’t reply to her messages. It confused her. He said he did not ignore but he did not even care. Whenever he did not answer, she fought and cried and after she had gone, he would think about her for a long time. She made him feel desirable. He wanted to forget about her. He could not stop thinking of her cute face. But she was changed. That sweet cheerful girl turned into a sad stressful lady. Their relationship didn’t bring them together but pulled them apart and broke into pieces. Anna also wished to forget it like a beautiful dream and move on. If only she could! But it was too hard for her to do that. She could not deny thinking of him. She thought of him every time… after waking, before sleeping, while working and eating… She laughed till her body shook thinking of what she had done to herself and tears used to stream down her cheeks. She only asked if it mattered to him.
One day, John said he never made commitment to her so there is nothing such as cheating her and hence any reason to cry. There was so much to say on that statement of John but in that moment she could not think of a single word. Is commitment the only proof of your care and love??? Anna broke completely. She was numb. She knew old her will never come back. It’s not that she had no feelings for him; it’s more that she had no feelings anymore. She didn’t know of what she wanted to feel anymore. She wanted peace. There was no reason to be angry. But love? No she could not love again not after John. In another life, she could have loved him. But that chance had passed, blown away like a feather in the wind. She knew she would never go back.
They simply stopped meeting as before and made themselves busy in their work. They never discussed. It just ended. After a year, she got engaged. When John found it, he was upset. John married to Jane. Exactly one month after John tied the knot with Jane, Anna married.
John sent her flowers. And he did so for every special occasion of her…
P.S. – There are things that have to be done and you do them and you never talk about them. You don’t try to justify them. They can’t be justified. You just do them. Then you forget it.
October 2000, John went to an advertisement company as his first job. With the induction of all new joiners, John found the first batch mate, a girl who could match him in looks and attitude. Her name was Anna. Both were 22 years old. They were dressed like young professionals, she in white shirt and A-line skirt and he in shirt and trouser. They met every day in the training room. There was a method in his madness. She just wished she knew what it was. She was also no less than a walking ball of energy, joie de vivre! Actually they were an electrifying pair in every assignment they were provided. Outside training room, John would find an even higher voltage connection with her. By the end of the training, both were prepared to work for bigger projects and also became good friends.
Their conservative appearance hid the fact that both shared a devil within. They were quiet, polite and careful. But Anna knew what was going to happen once they got to know each other. John did too. They both felt a current that went straight through them. Anna was a combination of beauty and talent for John. They realized the relationship would be serious. The minute they looked into each other’s eyes they clicked… One day, John asked if Anna was single. Learning she was, John picked up the phone and asked,” How about going out?” It was a New Year party 2001… In her black dress and eager virginity, she was so radiant as to be almost beautiful. Both partied a lot.
Anna had something wonderfully unspoiled about her. She had a quality that he never had and wanted badly. Something so precious that he had almost given up believing that it existed – innocence! Slowly their late night talks revealed a shared love of music and parties. Soon they were wheeling through roads on bike. Both were very happy together. But it was the worst possible time for John to fall in love. Only few months earlier he had proposed his childhood friend Jane. But neither John nor his kittenish friend Anna could deny what was happening. They were like kids laughing and having fun. They spent a lot of time together. They tried everything. She never had a man who touched her body in secret places with such respectful love like he did. Sometimes they disappeared from work. Lunch together. It was a force they could not control. They likely talked marriage. She used to tell him everything and there was no reason not to tell him, it was just a habit. Anna was in love with John. She knew he had little affairs all the time. She did not know if they would marry and John wanted a woman who understands that things like this might happen. The same way he always had and time kept rolling.
Many a times, she said it must never happen again. But those two were so nauseatingly in love. They made promises of better life, white collar jobs etc etc…
Rahul was the only son of his parents and was brought up by them fulfilling his every small need. He completed his graduation 2 years back. It took a lot for Rahul to finally break down and believe that his father had few months left to live though he was only 58 years old. It was a miracle that they were together for nearly 2 years since it was found that his father had Cancer but the condition started worsening since few months, and all the methods tried to cure had not been successful. It was only a year that Rahul had started with his job. He was trying his best to make arrangements for money. He wanted to work to earn more money, but he wanted to be with his father even more. His parents did not have any savings because all their hard earned money was spent on Rahul’s graduation. There was so much more he had liked to accomplish with his father while he was still with him.
Many a times his father was admitted in hospital and he used to turn fine. But this time when his father was taken to the hospital, he had a tinged feeling that it would be his last visit. All the tests, hospital visits, medicines, prescriptions made Rahul tired but all he wanted was to make his father well again. When all wandering led to the same dead end, when all the money spent in medicines and tests left his father just as hollow as ever, he was broken inside. Doctors used to say he’ll be fine as truth telling and medicine just didn’t go together except in dire emergencies. Rahul and his Mom used to talk to his father. His father did not speak but he did hear everything. Tears used to stream down his eyes. Rahul was unable to see his father’s condition.
In his last days, he was shifted to a ventilator. It went sure that it was difficult to save him. Then just a day after, his father took his last breath and left them. His father, who had suffered from Cancer, had prepared Rahul for that day. Rahul protected himself from sadness of his father’s demise so as to support his mother but to his surprise in all those years with his father, she had already prepared herself and did not drop a tear saying that his father might feel bad. Those words gave him strength to fight with that delicate moment. Most of his friends came to help in the cremation ceremony. Rahul was much delighted to see his friends in need. Well it’s true that family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs. The ones who accept you for who you are… the ones who would do anything to see you smile… and who love you no matter what…
However, he regretted one thing that he could not say “Thanks” from the core of his heart to his Best Father for doing infinite things for him, for making him a better human being, for providing him good morals and last but not the least for pouring all his love to his son. The sentiment evoked a range of emotions in Rahul. It made him feel bad. His mother always praises his father and says that he loved Rahul so much. His father loved playing instruments and singing. There was something about his father that Rahul wanted to learn, grow into and hide in where he could turn away from taking into his family responsibilities.
Here, to describe a truth has been my ceaseless effort, as it had appeared to me, and in the exact manner, in which I had arrived at it.
P.S. – I believe that God gives us our experiences so that we can help others who go through similar experiences. God certainly can’t help everyone.
One morning I went for a walk with my friends. The area was full of trees and the path was covered with dry leaves. These leaves looked beautiful though dry!